LIBRARY
These are written works I have about Vreeza. Enjoy! They are in rough chronological order, but these things didn't happen particularly close together.
Table of Contents
GARDENING TUTORIAL #1! PROPER WATERING SCHEDULES: Script for the very first video Vreeza posted on their YouTube channel
MY OPINION OF THE "FBI" WHO APPARENTLY CANT MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS: Script for YouTube video Vreeza posted after being attacked by a SWAT team for the first time
Vreeza's Past Shows Up At Their House And They Shoot It In The Face: Short story about Vreeza's confrontation with the search party sent to bring them back to school, more serious than other stories on this page
STUCK IN LOWE'S OVERNIGHT LIVEBLOG PART 1/28: Script for YouTube video Vreeza posted after accidentally getting locked in the hardware store overnight while trying to buy vegetable seeds
Vreeza's Big Interview: Script for Vreeza's interview with local tabloid reporter Verity Valentina
CALL OUT VIDEO FOR WORLDS SHITTIEST ROOMMATE + SNITCH N BOOT LICKER CIPHER: Script for furious callout video Vreeza posted on YouTube after getting ditched by Bill Cipher, who they summoned to their house because he said he was trapped in an internet chatroom and they didn't know who he was but wanted to be helpful
GARDENING TUTORIAL #1! PROPER WATERING SCHEDULES
This is a script for a YouTube video appearing on Vreeza's channel.
Video description:
hi evry1 this is gonna b my 1st video its abt, basic garden stuff, like how 2 water the plants!!!!!!
Video contents:
Vreeza's phone is propped up on something, and the video is filmed through the selfie camera. It isn't fantastic quality video, and the glare from their lab fluorescents on their metal lab bench could be considered blinding. Still, it's a good enough angle, and both Vreeza and the plant they're using, a large potted radish, are visible, along with a significant mess on the lab table consisting of various beakers and pieces of equipment that look like they probably have no business in a gardening video. Vreeza is facing the camera directly and yelling everything they say, which only makes the poor quality cell phone camera audio worse.
"Hey guys, check this out!!! I figured out how to put videos online and like, not just in group chat, but public!! So first of all this's a radish it's uhhhh I guess 3 days old??? I dunno. Hold on I'm gonna check my radish notes just a sec-"
Vreeza ducks out of frame, leaving the camera running, and comes back with something that looks kind of like a small tablet but not any recognizable brand. They spend several seconds clicking around on it and then look back at the camera and declare, "TWO AND A HALF DAYS. Anyway it's two and a half days old and, you can see I guess they grow pretty fast, maybe you could eat it now if you wanted??? But we're not trying to eat it here this is for a school project so it needs to keep growing like, a while, at least a few more days, hopefully it'll get way bigger but not gonna lie it's kind of disappointing so FAR!!!! But we can still water it so uh first of all when you're gonna water your plants you wanna make sure that, they're not already real wet, because if you water them too much then first of all you're wasting water and second of all maybe they'll die or like maybe not it depends on the plant. These die though!!! So you can tell it's dry because like if you pick it up and I dunno just like, stick your hand in it or something, it's not wet, so that means it's dry!!!!!"
Vreeza picks up the plant and puts their hand as far as it'll go into the pot without displacing all the dirt and knocking the plant out of its pot. Then for good measure they take some of the dirt out and hold it up to the camera. Unfortunately, their disguise glows so much you can barely see the dirt. After putting the dirt back in the pot, Vreeza reaches for something off-screen, accidentally knocks something over, and yells "FUCK!!!!" at about the same time a loud glass breaking sound happens. Whatever it was, though, they clearly don't intend to clean it up right away because they return quickly with a little bottle of water, labeled with some kind of symbols that are maybe a language, but not one any of their viewers would recognize. They hold up the bottle to the camera and start talking again.
"OKAY SO that was just like, empty this time, like an empty beaker??? Good thing you can actually buy those around here a lot of other science supplies you know like, you can't buy them, they're real hard to find!!!! But beakers not so much stores do have those sometimes but the measurements are kinda weird, whatever though!! Anyway this is water which is in this like, bottle, here, you wanna use clean water and not just get it from outside or whatever because if it's from outside you don't know what's even in it and then that's a variable that's gonna look bad on your writeup and you're gonna get a lot of points off for that and I can't afford that you know this thing's already like, two and a half years late, right????? So it's gotta be good!!! But anyway this is I think- yeah it's RO, long as you know what's in it though it's not like it matters that much!!! So you get your water and you wanna like, put fertilizer on the plant FIRST and THEN water on it this video isn't really about fertilizer but, you do put it on before water so, I'm mentioning it!!!!! After you do that you just put like, some water on it, until it looks pretty wet!!!"
Vreeza grabs one of the beakers lying around on camera, and dumps a pretty large amount of whatever's in it on the plant, and needless to say it doesn't look like regular fertilizer. This is not remarked upon in the video. After that, they twist open the bottle and dump some of that on the plant, too.
"So see like, now it's pretty wet, I'd say, here I'll hold it up so you can see that it- yeah it's pretty wet, OW that's kinda strong actually guess I should probably use less fertilizer next time maybe???? Yeah that like, burns, so maybe don't use too much fertilizer, or you could - hold on a minute!!!!"
Vreeza puts the plant back down quickly and dumps the remainder of the water on their hand, then shakes it off. They hold up their hand to the camera, but you can't really see much- the holo-disguise covers up any burn they might've gotten. "Yeah so here you see like, fertilizer can burn your hand if you use too much on the plant and then like, grab it by hand, you can see where it's kinda fucked up here and -" Apparently having realized that no one can see their injury, Vreeza makes a face and quickly puts their hand back down. "Actually I forgot sometimes fertilizer burns are like, invisible, this one is, today, but they still sure do hurt huh like, wow, it burns pretty bad I mean it DID it feels kinda better now cause of the water but um, yeah, even if it's invisible you still need to dump water on it because if it hurts it hurts right????? I dunno maybe if you left it on there it'd be fine but why find out what if it like fucked up your hand so bad you had to get a new one or something???? Not worth the risk!!!! Anyway the plant's watered so what you wanna do when the plant's watered is just put it back under the lights and- oh shit I forgot I shouldn't just be grabbing it, give me a minute to get more water, yeah sorry, if it's burning your hand then you can put water on the outside of the pot also to like wash it off and then move it quick!!!!!! That's all except for like, it doesn’t stay watered forEVER, so you wanna come back every, uh, I dunno, day or two???? And check to be sure it's still wet, and maybe water it again, cause if they dry out they die sometimes!!!!! That's it I'll make more videos later!!!!"
MY OPINION OF THE "FBI" WHO APPARENTLY CANT MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS
This is a script for a YouTube video appearing on Vreeza's channel.
Video description:
u guys r not gonna blieve the shit that happened like sevrl weeks ago this's y i havent been online did u think i died ???? well i didnt but thats NO THANKS 2 THE FBI bc they sure tried , 2 make me die!!!!!!! 2 bad 4 them!!!!!!!!!!!! eat shit fbi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Video contents:
Vreeza has gone to the trouble of cleaning off their lab table for once, and there's nothing on it at all. They're sitting at it with their fists balled up on the table and are the only thing on camera aside from the wall behind them, and they look FURIOUS. Clearly, this is going to be a sharp divergence from the channel's usual content. As they yell at the camera, they're waving their hands around and banging them on the table, which is probably why they cleaned it off- they'd knock over everything on it otherwise. Vreeza's usually pretty loud, but in this video, they're straight up screaming at the top of their lungs, and the mic blowout makes them unintelligible at times.
"HEY EVERYONE sorry for being, offline, this was because, the fUCKING COPS sent their SHIT BITCH SWAT TEAM TO MY H O U S E to KILL ME!!!!!!!!! And also to, STEAL like at least HALF OF MY GARDENING SUPPLIES, so I gotta replace those for future videos!!!!!!!! Well joke's on them because they COULDN'T kill me and I KICKED THEIR ASSES MOSTLY but anyway like they came in at I dunno five am?????? To my house they came at five am with NO warning and started trying to like, break down the door, with their guns or whatever, which by the way are shit like I dunno how they hell they haven't managed to buy some BETTER ONES but I guess I'm lucky they're so badly equipped cause like geez there were a bunch of these guys!!!!!! So like they break into my like, my house, and OBVIOUSLY I couldn't just stay inside and fight 'em off because first of all the house's too small and second of all what if we broke the house fighting in it????? Even just like one alligator can do a lot of damage to, your house, and those guys don't even have guns or whatever, and there were like 5 or 8 of these FBI dudes who all had guns and also they brought their stupid car which CLEARLY wasn't well equipped to drive in the swamp so that's another fail from the STUPID FUCKING FBI I GUESS. Anyway though so I run out of the house and they try to kill me about it like, they're shooting at me, right, but their guns suck so they're not doin' a real good job at it well I got in some good hits against THEM but they only managed to hit me in the arm so that wasn't too big a deal I mean except for that it FUCKING HURT LIKE A BITCH and so I got past them and took the airboat out away from the house and they didn't follow me cause I guess their shitty car wasn't good for drivin' in the swamp or something and so I run off and I didn't have, ANY VEGETABLES, so I had to eat like, uh, bugs, you know??? Which I didn't like at first but it turns out they're pretty good so leave a comment if you know any good strategies for catching bugs because they're a little hard to catch!!!!!! So I'm thinkin' I got away from them probably and I'm just gonna wait for them to get the hell out of my house and so maybe in like, a week or two , I'm gonna go back to the house right, but NO because they sent this fucking invisible dude to KIDNAP ME oh also at this point my friend Ted was there you guys remember Ted right?? Wait actually I don't think he's in any of the videos but I know I talked about him some well anyway, this fucker kidnaps both of us, and UGH I don't even wanna get into this shit I'm still too mad!!!!!! Anyway so we escape from the hospital and like three different people MAYBE MORE from my friends INCLUDING ME almost died like AT LEAST one time during this and then cause the hospital was real far away from my house and I didn't have my car it took forever to get home and I stayed at a friend's house for a while first I GUESS I had my phone but I was pretty busy being, upset!!!!!!! About it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also it's hard to set up the camera and all that with only one arm so I had to wait for that to grow back too!!!!!! So THAT'S WHY I HAVE BEEN OFFLINE. When I got home my fuckin house, they trashed my house, they stole so much shit and knocked stuff over just LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!!!!!!"
Vreeza reaches over and picks up the phone, then holds the camera up to an empty drawer before putting it back on the little stand they've made for it. "You see that shit?????? ALL the uranium's gone, you guys got any idea how hard it is to find more of that????? I read all these ads like 'school supplies sale at TARGET or WALMART or WHATEVER' and so I go there to replace my STOLEN school supplies and I get there and it's all like pencils and shit, like what is this the stone ages????? Fucking pencils and papers and shit???? FUCK!!!!! Anyway FUCK THE FBI!!!!!! YOU GOTTA BE SURE YOU'RE PREPARED TO FIGHT EM OFF!!!!!!! Bye!!!! I'll post more videos soon as I get enough gardening supplies!!!!!!!"
Vreeza's Past Shows Up At Their House And They Shoot It In The Face
Vreeza had been waiting for this more than three years. There was no mistaking the sound they heard coming from a little ways away, one they hadn't heard since they were 13. It was the whir of a spaceship, a real, working, not-half-sunken-into-the-mire spaceship. It was a sound they'd always thought was really cool and exciting, full of adventure, so why was it making them feel so afraid?
A cautious foray out of their house and towards the source of the noise confirmed what Vreeza had already known: the search party was finally here. They were really late, but they were here. A couple of adults in stark white uniforms were standing outside of the spacecraft and discussing the missing child they'd been sent to find in a language Vreeza hadn't heard for real in forever. They looked awfully out of place in the swamp.
The kid was probably dead, one of them was complaining. The food rations would've run out years ago. Why should they have to traipse around in this nasty cold swamp when they weren't going to find anything except for school equipment too damaged to use, and possibly a body? Vreeza, hiding behind a tree, remained out of the adults' sight. They knew they should've corrected the search party by walking out into the clearing and demonstrating that they were in fact very much alive, but a dread they didn't recognize held them in place. Vreeza's own mixed feelings on the matter freaked them out just as much as the presence of the adults did. Why weren't they happy to see their rescuers? Shouldn't they be excited to finally go home, to eat some real food, to turn in the project they'd been working on for all this time?
Well, whatever their feelings about it were, Vreeza knew they had to get ready to go. They switched off their disguise, then their translator. It wasn't like the search party wouldn't be able to recognize the wrist panel's power signature, but Vreeza knew it'd make it easier for everyone involved if they could talk to the search party in their own language, and if they looked normal. Or at least, normal for school. They'd gotten so used to their disguise being up, it was actually kinda weird for them to have it off. Especially outdoors. The dimly lit area Vreeza was hiding in among trees wasn't as easy to navigate without the disguise's ambient glow. They did their best to force a smile, and reluctantly walked out from their hiding spot towards the search party.
This was great! They were finally gonna go home! This oughta be the best day of their life! As hard as they tried to force themselves to believe all that, the stuff that they should've been just thinking naturally, Vreeza couldn't quite shake the awful, nauseating fear that they couldn't think of any reason to be feeling. It was horrible. It made them feel like they were gonna fall over any second now. Maybe they could chalk it up to how much they'd liked Earth. They were gonna miss their friends, and they were gonna miss the swamp, but they'd known that. They thought they'd been prepared for that. Every single one of their interactions with this planet and the people on it had been made in the shadow of the fact that someday, maybe soon or maybe in the far-off future, they were going to have to leave and never look back. They'd known it since before they'd even gotten stranded. So why should it be hitting them so hard now? It didn't make sense.
Without thinking about it, Vreeza reached down and gripped the gun in their pocket before realizing what they were doing and letting go of it again. This was not the time for shooting. This was the time for going home quietly and getting a solid A+ on their project and… doing something to make up for lost time. Remedial courses, maybe. Were there remedial courses back home? It didn't matter! It especially didn't matter right this instant, because they'd gotten far enough out into the clearing that the shorter of the two adults, the one who hadn't said very much so far, noticed them.
For a moment, the adult was too stunned to say anything, and just stared at Vreeza slack-jawed. The missing child who everyone had assumed was probably dead had just walked right out to meet them, looking filthy and frightened. After they finished staring, they grabbed their partner's sleeve and tugged to get their attention before pointing right at Vreeza and stating the obvious: that the kid wasn't actually dead, that they were right here! The taller adult sneered at the idea of Vreeza being alive after so much time before they actually turned around to look, at which point they also stared in disbelief. How the hell could the little shit be alive after so long?!
The adults didn't sound as happy about that as Vreeza'd hoped they would. In fact, they almost sounded offended. Inconvenienced. It wasn't something Vreeza wanted to dwell on. School wasn't about making friends or having a good time or being treated like you had value. It was about learning, supposedly. They'd learned quite a bit outside school here on Earth, too, though, and they'd enjoyed it a whole lot more. Maybe that was it. But it wouldn't even be too long until they graduated, just a few years, so… it had to be worth waiting out. It had to be. Vreeza didn't even know what'd happen after they graduated, but it had to be something good. Something they wouldn't wanna miss. Otherwise there wouldn't be a school, right? It had to have some purpose to it.
Vreeza didn't have a whole lot of time to think about whether or not school actually had any purpose before the search party got over their bewilderment and called them over. They wanted to know where Vreeza's house was. Where the school-issued ship was. Where all the expensive school-issued equipment was. Where Vreeza's uniform was and why they weren't wearing it. Why Vreeza hadn't sent out a distress signal. What the hell Vreeza was thinking leaving for an unpopular project planet without telling anyone where they were going. Why Vreeza looked so fucking horrible. Whether Vreeza had anything to say for themselves. Whether Vreeza knew how much they were inconveniencing everyone by doing this shit. The taller of the two shoved Vreeza when they didn't start walking fast enough. It knocked them off balance a little and they nearly fell down in the swamp muck. School was worth this. It had to be. Vreeza agreed to lead the way to their house. The search party complained the entire way there, and only got more upset when they got inside.
"What do you think you're doing with all this garbage?!" The taller adult gestured angrily towards Vreeza's furniture, the stuff they'd bought here on Earth. The shorter adult just stared disdainfully. It hadn't ever occurred to them that it might not belong in the house, but now that this adult was here yelling about how they didn't know where this stuff had been or if it was dangerous and about why wasn't the school-issued stuff good enough for them, Vreeza was really wishing they'd never brought the stuff home in the first place. It wasn't worth this. In a desperate attempt to defuse the situation, Vreeza interrupted the furious adult with an invitation to come see their project. Surely the search party would love that, right? Vreeza sure was proud of it. If nothing else, it did stop all the shouting, as the angry adult rolled their eyes and headed for the hallway.
The silence inside the lab was deafening. No one was yelling in here, but Vreeza certainly wasn't getting the response they'd hoped for. The taller adult stared, apparently unimpressed, at a large potted radish. The other was milling around the lab, recoiling in horror at every spilled beaker and improperly sealed container of radioactive material. After a while, it was unbearable. Vreeza had to say something. "Is-isn't it somethin'?" No response. "What's the late penalty?" That got a groan. "Do you expect us to grade this? The search party?" Well, when they put it that way, Vreeza did feel kinda stupid. They didn't have to stand in the lab feeling terrible for very long, though, because the shorter adult piped up to give their assessment of the situation.
"All the equipment is either lost, damaged beyond repair, or," they paused and glared at Vreeza in between words. "Radioactive. We can't bring this back to the station. They've ruined it." With that, they grabbed Vreeza by the arm and headed out the door. "We're leaving." Vreeza squeaked in surprise before realizing what was going on, and then dug their heels in as best they could on the metal floor, which wasn't that well. "Aren't- aren't ya gonna bring the project?" The taller adult, walking ahead of both Vreeza and the person who was dragging them out of the house, whipped around and snarled, "Didn't you hear them? You've ruined all your equipment. Everything in that lab is broken or radioactive. Hell, you're radioactive! Just be glad we're picking you up in spite of that."
It was starting to get difficult for Vreeza to hold back tears. Had school always been like this? Sure, it'd never been fun, but it was normal, and this, this didn't feel normal. But it was, wasn't it? It wasn't even as bad as it could be, nobody'd even threatened to send them out the airlock today. Was Earth just that nice, that they'd gotten used to it and couldn't handle normal, regular school any more? Or was school wrong somehow? It was a scary line of thought, especially considering that as they were thinking it, Vreeza was being dragged by the arm through the swamp and towards the spaceship. Fuck, they at least wanted to say goodbye to everybody. But when they pulled their phone out of their pocket, not thinking about the fact that it wouldn’t do them much good with their translator turned off, the adult dragging them noticed and yanked their arm hard, causing them to drop it. "Don't bring dangerous foreign tech onto the ship! How dense are you?" It was the last straw, and Vreeza started sobbing. They didn't want to leave Earth. They liked it here. There had to be something- anything to-
There was. Vreeza realized with cold horror that there was only one way out of this that didn't end with them leaving Earth forever. A way that ended with them dead or stranded, but very much on Earth. The search party was armed- Vreeza couldn't see any weapons, but they knew that nobody went to foreign planets without carrying something reasonably deadly. For adults like these, something far more formidable than Vreeza's own little laser guns. But they couldn't afford to let that stop them. They had the element of surprise, and they knew the swamp way better than a couple of people who'd never been to it before possibly could. They'd need to be fast to survive this. Moving as quickly as they could, they whipped out a gun from their pocket with their free arm and shot the adult holding their arm right in the shoulder. Fuck! That was not good enough! The adult had time to let out a shriek of pain and disbelief before Vreeza, who fumbled their gun for a moment before getting a steady grip on it, was able to fire a second shot right through their chest. That half of the search party crumpled to the ground with a sickening squelch. This was way closer range than the government dudes a while ago had been. It was a lot worse, too. Vreeza hadn't seen the face of the government dude they'd shot, because said face had been gone completely. This person's face was twisted with shock and rage and horror and something that looked an awful lot like betrayal. As much as they hated to admit it, it made Vreeza feel sick.
But there definitely wasn't time to dwell on emotions right now- the other adult was still alive, still armed, and, now that they'd registered what was going on, furious. Vreeza barely dodged a blast that was large enough to fell an oak tree. Geez, talk about overkill! After taking advantage of the tree-related chaos to dart behind a different, non-exploded tree, Vreeza managed to get a decent glimpse of the weapon. It was bigger than their own, but far less conspicuous. Plain black instead of bright red. A real, actual weapon, not the comparatively crappy school blasters. But the person wielding it wasn't doing such a great job. Clearly they'd never been in a real shootout before, they looked beyond freaked out and they'd managed to shoot five separate times without even aiming the blaster in Vreeza's general direction. Maybe they were just hoping for the best, since they hadn't spotted Vreeza yet. They were now standing with their back to Vreeza, threatening to shoot a patch of bushes that seemed to be empty.
It wasn't the smartest strategy, but Vreeza shakily aimed a gun at the back of the adult's head and closed their eyes before shooting off a volley of shots so fast that their trigger finger seized up partway through. They no longer wanted to look any more than they had to, and besides, one of those shots had to hit. When they did look up, it was clear that more than one of their shots had hit- an arm was off, and there wasn't a face left for Vreeza to look at. Phew. They'd seen enough dead faces today. They figured it wouldn't hurt to pocket the fancy gun the adult had been shooting at them with. Today'd been horrible, might as well get something out of it.
Then there was the spaceship to deal with. As much as Vreeza would've loved to be able to fly around again, they knew that the thing was far too valuable to be left intact. If it still picked up on scans as intact, someone would inevitably come to get it. No, it had to be destroyed. If the search party vanished without a trace and their ship was gone, in addition to there being a missing child in the same area- Vreeza wouldn't have to worry about anyone else coming for them. Earth would be marked a death planet. No more search parties, no explorers, and no kid would ever be allowed to come here for a project again. And in spite of that, or maybe because of that, Vreeza hesitated. Earth was nice enough, but did Vreeza really want to cut themselves off from everywhere else, forever? They'd clung for so long to the idea that someday, the search party'd come and they'd go home.
After sitting quietly next to it for a few hours, Vreeza boarded the ship and smashed everything that was delicate enough to break by hand. Ripped the steering stick out of the control panel and threw it across the cockpit. Punched the wall and screamed when it wouldn't dent the way they'd hoped it would. Aimed their new, heavier duty blaster at the buttons and screens and blew them to smithereens. Blasted holes in the walls. Got out and blasted the ground under the damn thing until it caved in and the resulting hole filled halfway up with water. Watching the ship sink into the Earth, Vreeza decided to toss the new blaster in after it. They didn't want to have a reminder of today sitting around, no matter how useful it was.
Vreeza took one last look at the destroyed clearing before flipping their disguise and translator back on and trudging back to their house. The fact that they'd really, definitely never be able to go home now weighed heavy on them. But then again, maybe they were home already.
STUCK IN LOWE'S OVERNIGHT LIVEBLOG PART 1/28
This is a script for a YouTube video appearing on Vreeza's channel.
Video description:
so have u guys evr been 2 like, the hardware store, like lowe's and also theres some other ones??????? well im comin 2 u live from in there bc they didnt notice me in here n locked it up when i was TRYIN 2 pick out seeds 2 buy n they all left so im stuck unless i br8k out which i COULD but then lowes walls would b broken n i do shop here a lot so that'd b a prob 4 me bc what if they close 4 repairs, n its not 2 bad in here so im just gonna wait it out!!!!!
Video contents:
Because Vreeza is filming this one at Lowe's instead of in their lab, they're filming it by just holding up the selfie camera- which is something they're terrible at. It's very shaky, and the image quality is worse than usual because the phone camera is having a lot of trouble capturing Vreeza's glowing hologram and the dark hardware store at the same time and having them both look recognizable. They're pacing around in circles near a display of seed packets.
"Hey guys!!!!! So this is like, the hardware store in Miami, or one of them anyway, right???? So I drive out here to buy some seeds cause I quit school so I wanna grow something other than just RADISHES all the time like you know what???? I'm SICK of the radishes I eat them every day for all my meals and it JUST GETS OLD!!!!!!!! So here I am at Lowe's and they've got all these like, seed packets here, right???? And there's like, at least forty of 'em, I think way more than that, kinds of plants, so here I am trying to figure out which ones I oughta get cause my lab's pretty small and I can't fit all forty in there at once or even like half of 'em, and I wanna try and figure out, you know, which of these is more fun to grow??? Which of them tastes better????? And I don't know which because most of them, well I heard of 'em but haven't got any experience like, personally, so it's a tough choice!!!!! So I'm googling like "HOWS GREEN BEAN TASTE" and NO ONE online can AGREE about it so it's not really useful, well eventually I just asked for my friends' opinions and one of them said I oughta get artichokes so I was gonna but then they closed Lowe's and turned off all the lights. At least they also turned off, like, the air conditioner??? I don't even know why they have those things in buildings when it's cold as hell outside already like what, 80 degrees????? Why do you wanna make it even colder???? Dumbass!!! But they turned that off so now it's warming up a little in here but it's still pretty cold and so I gotta keep moving so I don't get too cold, so I have the seeds I'm gonna buy but it's still all night till they open again and I'm sure not gonna sleep in here!!!! So I'm gonna like, look around the store, and see what kinda shit they have in here other than plants, I think earlier I saw a like, chair???? For sale???? Weird for a hardware store but like whatever I guess!!!!! It was NOT a comfortable chair though it was made of like, basket garbage. Why'd you want a chair like that?????? Just not their specialty I guess!!!!! Anyway though I'm gonna make more videos in here tonight because most of my friends're asleep already and I have to do SOMETHING to spend the time so I will be doing stuff in here, all night!!!! See you in the next video!!!"
Vreeza's Big Interview
This is a script for Vreeza's interview with a local tabloid, The Everglades Gazette.
VERITY VALENTINA is filling a basket with chips and energy bars. This gas station doesn't offer shopping baskets, but she's brought her own. While she is doing this, VREEZA comes into the gas station and starts heading for the nearby magazine rack.
VREEZA: Aw, bummer, I'm not in this-
Since VREEZA is yelling as usual, VERITY looks up to see what all the commotion is. She drops her basket and barely stifles a scream when she sees what she is approximately 75% sure is the cryptid she was preparing to go trek through the swamp to photograph rifling through a stack of issues of the magazine she works for.
VREEZA: Oh, fuck, are you like, okay??? Y'know you can still eat them even though they fell on the floor, it's not that big of a deal, uh- if you wanna look at the magazines I can move???
VERITY starts picking up her snacks from the floor, but continues staring at VREEZA and keeps dropping stuff again. VREEZA is visibly annoyed by this, takes a very obvious photo of her to send the group chat, and looks like they're about to say something about it, but VERITY stands back up and gets out her phone before they have the chance to say anything.
VERITY: Uh, you're- I'm so sorry, I hope this isn't a weird question, it's just- is this you??
VERITY pulls up a blurry faraway photo of VREEZA, one that appeared in the magazine a few months ago under the headline "SWAMP GHOST: NEW OUTFIT???" and shoves the phone in VREEZA's face. VREEZA is baffled by the question but nonetheless looks at the photo for a few seconds before looking up and declaring,
VREEZA: Yeah that's me I'm in the news sometimes but not today I guess but I always check!!! I already had this outfit for at least like a year and a half when this was posted in the magazine though I dunno what the deal was with that!!! You'd think people would've noticed!!!! You read the magazines??? I didn't really think anyone else read it cause like I never see anyone else buying 'em but I buy a bunch of em usually if I'm in it so I can show my friends!!
VERITY: Okay, um, just to clarify, you are the swamp ghost??
VREEZA: No, well, I mean, I guess, the news keeps publishing stories about that but I did NOT die and so I'm NOT a ghost which I coulda told them if they ever actually like asked me about it instead of just taking photos from really far away but I figure like it's still cool to be in the news even if it's all weird made up info???
VERITY takes a deep breath. This could be her big break. It's somewhat discouraging to learn that the "ghost" she's been taking photos of is just some weirdly dressed local teenager, but an interview debunking the swamp ghost once and for all will still probably get her some attention. Maybe even enough to get a job at a real newspaper.
VERITY: I WOULD have asked if I had ever actually run into you up close! Or, anyway, I'm asking now! You move so fast out there, I couldn't catch up. Oh, I guess I haven't mentioned- I take the photos! The ones for the magazine? That's all me! I'm sorry about the mixup with your outfit, I don't actually write the stories, I just take the photos. Usually, anyway. If you want to talk, that would be great, we could finally clear things up, right? I promise I'll write it myself this time, I'll make sure it's accurate!
VREEZA: Oh, that's you??? Yeah, I never saw you, cause you always stand so far away!!! Of COURSE I wanna talk, I've wanted a REAL interview for AGES cause you guys keep getting super basic stuff wrong like, all the time, first of all, obviously, I'm not a ghost. Anyway though I guess I shoulda introduced myself already right??? I got carried away, like, talking, but anyway, I'm Vreeza!! I live in the swamp, here in Florida, but I guess you probably do too since you're over here at the gas station.
VERITY quickly gets out her notepad to scribble down notes. This gas station isn't an ideal place for an interview, but she doesn't want to risk trying to get this person to a secondary location, in case they refuse to come along.
VERITY: Nice to meet you, I'm Verity Valentina with the Everglades Gazette. I do not live in the swamp, I'm from Florida City. Where in the swamp do you live?
VREEZA: Uh, my house???
VERITY: Um, alright, that's a little vague, but I'll take it. How long have you been here, and does anyone else live with you?
VREEZA: Well there's a lot of animals in the swamp who live there, but they're mostly not in my house except for Homare-chan, my pet frog, who IS in my house!!! Also, I've got a roommate but he's stuck in my computer right now so it's not like he can leave the house or anything. I've been here like, at least five years, almost six by now I think!! But Homare-chan and Cipher, my roommate Cipher, haven't been here anywhere near that long, I was mostly living alone!! I guess Homare-chan might've been here, but just outside and not in my house? I can't ask it though, it doesn't talk, it's a frog!!!!
VERITY realizes that she's going to have to prioritize which questions to ask. This isn't the direction she expected this interview to go, but she isn't sure what she WAS expecting, really.
VERITY: When you say that your roommate is stuck in your computer, what does that mean?
VREEZA: I think it's pretty self explanatory!!! He's in the computer and I can't get him out!!!!!
VERITY: Alright, moving on, where were you living before you moved here? You mentioned you'd only been here for a few years.
VREEZA: I was at school!!!! No worries, I dropped outta school now though, that shit sucked!!! So like I came here to do my school project for 13th year which was to make a really big radish in the lab but I crashed my school car so I was kinda stranded but THEN a few years later the search party finally showed up but by then I figured I was doin' better here than I would in school so I fought them off so now I live here for real!! Plus they didn’t like my radish, I couldn't go back to school if they didn't like the radish!!!
VERITY: The… radish. Why was this so important for returning to school? Oh, and how old were you again? I'd thought you seemed pretty young, I'm sorry if I was assuming incorrectly- if you crashed your car when you got here five years ago, you'd have to be in your twenties, right?
VREEZA: What? No, I'm 18, I crashed my car when I was 13 cause that's when you get your car and I had SO much trouble parking it!! The radish is important because if you fail your 13th year school project then you're gonna die!!!!
There's a lot to unpack there, and none of it is especially relevant to the swamp ghost story. VERITY decides to just throw out the whole suitcase.
VERITY: Yes, of course, sorry. So you've been living alone in the swamp since you were 13?
VREEZA: Mostly, yeah!!! Once I tried to bring a gator in my house for a pet but that little bitch bit my arm off so I had to kick it out!!! Knocked over my fridge, too!!!
VERITY: Your arm??? I'm sorry, it just looks an awful lot like you still have both arms.
VREEZA: Well DUH, that was years ago!! It grew back ages ago.
VERITY: I'll... take your word for that, I guess. On to the next question, the reason we had all been assuming you were a ghost is that you glow. Have you got any comments on this?
VREEZA: That's my selfie filter!!!
VERITY: In real life?
VREEZA: Yeah, totally!!!!
VERITY: Okay, sure. In some of the photos we've got of you, you're carrying some kind of object, we couldn't tell what it was. What is it?
VREEZA: I carry lots of objects, you're gonna have to be more specific!!!!
VERITY pulls up a blurry photo of Vreeza carrying their gun on her phone and shows them.
VERITY: This, right here.
VREEZA: OHHH, that's my gun!!! I carry that everywhere, if you wanna come outside I'll show you, I think it'd scare the employee if I brought it out in here!!!
VERITY: That's probably a good idea, but I need to pay for these before I can leave the gas station.
VERITY pays for her chips and chocolate, and then she and VREEZA walk out onto the gas station parking lot. VREEZA pulls out their gun, and then shouts,
VREEZA: You oughta get your camera out if you wanna get a good photo of this, I'm gonna shoot that tree over there!!!
VERITY decides it's better not to try to dissuade VREEZA from demonstrating their gun on that tree over there, and gets her camera ready.
VERITY: I have seen a gun before, but I suppose-
VREEZA shoots at the tree, practically obliterating the entire thing. VERITY barely manages to snap an action shot of this, it's difficult to react in time.
VERITY: Holy shit.
VREEZA: Pretty cool, huh?? Way better than like, the garbage guns like the cops have???
VERITY: Where on Earth did you get that thing?
VREEZA: School, obviously!!!
: Uh, yeah, right. That looks pretty dangerous, please don't point that at people.
VREEZA: I won't point it at YOU!!!
VERITY: Thank you. Why do you wander around in the swamp so often? When I find you out there to take photos, you never seem to be doing much.
VREEZA: Just for fun, y'know, it gets boring in my house!!! Lots of cool animals and stuff are out there, once I saw a gator climb a tree!!! Really cool stuff!!!!!
VERITY: That's nice. So that's all you do out there? Look at animals?
VREEZA: I look at plants too!!!
VERITY: Okay, sounds fun, I suppose. Have you got anything else you'd like to say?
VREEZA: Uh, check out my YouTube channel!!! Here, I’ll type it in your phone if you want!!!
VERITY hands VREEZA her phone, and they type their YouTube channel's url into the url bar before handing it back to her. She takes one look at the number of videos on this channel and decides she'll have to check it out later, not right now.
VERITY: Thank you for your time, do you mind if I take a photo for the magazine?
VREEZA: Well you never asked before, huh???? That's okay though, of course you can!!! I wanna take a photo with you too, though, if you take one of me!!!
VERITY: Yes, that's fine, thank you.
VERITY takes a photo of VREEZA standing outside the gas station. This is one of the best photos of VREEZA in existence, since it's taken with a fancy camera and doesn't have the shakiness of their selfies. VREEZA then proceeds to take a selfie with VERITY, which comes out passably well by their standards.
VREEZA: Thanks, I can't wait to see it in the magazine!! If you ever wanna talk more you oughta come in chat, it's like, the first result if you google "free chat room" so it's easy to find!!!
VERITY: I'll... look for that, if I ever want to interview you again, thank you. I appreciate you speaking to me about this, have a good day.
VREEZA: You too!!!!! Bye!!!!
VREEZA returns to the gas station to buy some gummy bears, and VERITY, having gotten more than what she came for, gets in her car and drives away.
CALL OUT VIDEO FOR WORLDS SHITTIEST ROOMMATE + SNITCH N BOOT LICKER CIPHER
This is a script for a YouTube video appearing on Vreeza's channel.
Video description:
good news : finally home from , vacation 2 avoid cops !!!!!!!! they r gone now!!!!!!! BAD news: my shitty bastard ass hole roommate cipher who couldnt come bc he was stuck in computer n i couldnt get him out actually was a LIAR n COULD get outta the computer bc that fuckr DID get outta the computer he got out n he went 2 go hang out w the cops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also hes apparently rlly stupid ig bc he thinks the cops r gonna help him out w smthin unclear what but that moron's gonna get fucked up by the cops 4 associatin w me LMAO they r gonna kill him i bet!!!!!!!! thats his prob tho =/
Video contents:
Anyone who's been keeping up with Vreeza's channel up until now can tell that they're about to deliver an extremely aggressive rant- they've cleared almost everything off the lab table they're filming at, and they only ever do that when they're going to be throwing enough of a fit that they're worried about knocking things over. However, there is one thing on the table- a brand new notepad that they bought specifically for this video. It's hard to see what's on it from this angle, though. Vreeza's furious today, for sure, but they don't seem as overwhelmed by it as they were the first time the cops raided their home. In fact, they seem to find this situation somewhat comedic, albeit in a way that's probably mostly just a coping mechanism. The video thumbnail is a photo of a drawing of Bill Cipher on note paper. It's clear Vreeza isn't an artist or a photographer, but Bill Cipher is easy to draw, so he is still recognizable.
"Hi everyone!!!!!!!! So AS YOU CAN SEE from the title, we have a big fuckin issue here, today!!!!!! Uh I know he was never on camera cause he was stuck in the computer so you haven't seen him but you remember my roommate right ????? He isn't my roommate ANY MORE because that fuckin asshole decided he was gonna go be friends w the fuckin COPS instead, as THOUGH they're even gonna be any good to hang out with, like, how fucking stupid- UGH, anyway, he left this BITCHY note on my computer which says, uh-"
Vreeza pauses to check their notepad before continuing, then rips off the page, crumples it up, and throws it across the lab in an overly dramatic manner after they finish reading it aloud. They scream the entire message at the top of their lungs because it was written in all caps- but since you can't see it in the video, there's no way to tell clearly whether the screaming was original to the message or their own addition. "HEY KID, SOME OF YOUR BUDDIES STOPPED BY. SOME REALLY GREAT FOLK. HMMM, WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM AGAIN? THE FBI? HA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! ANYWAYS, THESE CHUMPS CAN HELP ME IN A WAY YOU NEVER COULD! SMELL YOU LATER- OR NEVER!!!"
Shortly after Vreeza throws the paper, there's a loud slamming noise from across the room followed by what sounds like a pressure washer, and Vreeza flinches in surprise before continuing, "Ah fuck, whatever, sorry guys I wasn't thinkin about the uh, the decon shower's motion activated!!!!!! Gonna have to buy more disinfectant soon I guess cause like, clearly a BUNCH of cops came in here, they used up almost all that shit!!!!!!!! I'm nearly out but like anyway, that was what Cipher left on, my computer, when he left, was that message also he deleted my research notes but LUCKILY he was DUMB ENOUGH to not know I keep a copy of em on my phone I guess even though I loaded em on there like RIGHT in front of him at least eight or nine times!!!!!! Pain in the ass to get em back on there but like not that bad y'know???? Everything over here is, FINE!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO, EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW WHAT EVERYTHING WAS, I GUESS CIPHER COULDN’T EVEN CONVINCE HIS NEW SHITTY IDIOT FRIENDS TO STEAL ANY EQUIPMENT, JUST A FEW PLANT SAMPLES!!!!!!!!!!! Loser!!!!!! I have some hard to find stuff in here, you know, even the cops knew to steal SOME stuff last time even though they didn't get much of the equipment since all that's bolted down but like they at least took some school supplies y'know?? They're gettin WORSE at this or maybe they just didn't figure they could get past the cop eating plants with so much stuff which is a BIG L FOR CIPHER whose idea it was to make those plants that def got at least SEVERAL cops based on, the like, remains!!!!! I wonder how well they got him out of the computer, huh????? If he was outta there physically and not just on some cop's phone maybe they got him too, you think??????" Vreeza grins and laughs, but it's all malice. It's kind of scary. "He's lucky if they did, though!!!!!!! Shit idiot thought he could just go hang out with the cops and that was gonna go well for him, right????????? Loser's got no IDEA how much those guys hate me, they're not gonna like that he was in my house!!!!! Also if they ever watched my channel they'd know that, the cop eating plants were his idea, bet they wouldn't like that!!!!! Hey if any of you FBI fuckers are watching this and are new to the channel, the cop eating plants were Cipher's idea!!!!!!!!! Like, the ones that ate at least 3 or 4 of your cop friends!!!!!! That was all his idea, he helped a bunch with development too I didn't know how to make those even though I coulda figured it out eventually it went way faster cause of him!!!!!! Also get the hell off my channel, asshole!!!!!! Or post your location in the comments if you wanna!!!!! I won't come over there cause I'm not a fuckin asshole who breaks into other people's houses for no reason unlike YOU but maybe someone else will!!!!!!!!!!!"
Vreeza stops to breathe for a couple seconds, having delivered the last portion of their rant so quickly they hadn't had the opportunity. They then proceed to hold the notepad up to the camera, revealing the drawing from the thumbnail. "IF YOU SEE THIS BITCH, this guy's the worst fuckin roommate ever and he's so dumb he thinks he can just go hang out with the cops and that'll be fine for him, cause he's gonna suck up to em so much I guess, also he's a dick head!!!!!!!! He's in for a nasty surprise cause the cops never wanna talk y'know I'm a NICE PERSON SO THAT MIGHT'VE WORKED WITH ME BUT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK WITH THE COPS, THEY AREN'T GONNA CARE IF HE'S GOT GIFTS OR HANGS OUT WITH EM OR WHAT EVER, THEY'RE GONNA GET HIS ASS CAUSE THEY'RE EVEN WORSE ASSHOLES THAN HE IS AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LIE CONVINCINGLY!!!!!!!!!!!! So like you probably won't see him cause the dipshit's probably in jail or the hospital or dead already, but like on the off chance he manages to get outta there, watch out!!!!!!!!!! Kick his ass if you catch him out side the computer, or I guess break the computer he's in if it's one you don't really care about!!!!!!!! Yeah though joke's on him there's no fuckin WAY the cops have any where near the kinda resources that, my friends have!!!!!!!!! He coulda just asked me to hook him up if he wanted some thing I didn't have in the lab but, he didn't, and now he's gonna go hang out with the cops who don't even have decent guns and couldn't even kill ME even though they tried TONS of times so there's no way they have any thing worth borrowing or are helpful and even if they do have useful stuff there's no way they're gonna let him touch it!!!!!!!!!!! How do you figure it's goin' for him over there, huh??????? Y'know, like, the one time the cops caught ME for a little while before I got out they were like poisoning me and strapping me down and shit and they go 'oh we are helping you we are being so helpful and nice' so that's like BEST case scenario if they decide they like him enough to try and tell him bullshit instead of just coming right out and attacking him directly!!!!!!!!!!!! That's probably what's going on, they must've told him they were gonna help him with whatever the hell and he was so FUCKING STUPID he fell for that shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! And went with them WILLINGLY like can you imagine like holy fuck at least I had enough dignity to try and fight em off first!!!!!!!! It's embarrassing for him!!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno what he thinks he can do that's gonna help them either like they already know they wanna get me!!!!!!!! They don't need him snitching to decide that!!!!! What's he gonna do is he gonna go in there and go, 'HEY GUESS WHAT FBI VREEZA IS DOING SOMETHING THAT WOULD PISS YOU GUYS OFF' like uhh???? Newsflash, idiot, they KNOW THAT ALREADY!!!!!! They've been after me since before your miserable fuckin ass was even IN my house!!!!!!!! No idea what they're so mad about but clearly it's SOMETHING!!!!!!!!! Why'd you think they even came in in the first place for you to talk to???? Just to hang out??????? STUPID!!!!!!!!!"
Vreeza doesn't throw this paper, since they don't want to set off the decon shower again. Instead, they rip it to shreds with a level of efficiency that is probably pretty impressive to their audience, which is mostly composed of people who don't know they have claws. "Well he's probably not watching this for all those reasons but just in case, like, HEY CIPHER, just so you know, I HOPE YOU DIE IF YOU DIDN'T YET!!!!!!!!!! Have FUN with the COPS, IDIOT, I warned you about those dudes and you shoulda listened!!!!! I know more about this dimension than you do!!!!!!!!! And don't you DARE come back here again cause I'll shoot you on SIGHT!!!!!!!! And I'm way better at that than, the FBI!!!!!!!!!!!! See YOU never, SHITLORD!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone else have a great day thanks for watching!!!!!!"
